Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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