I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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