allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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