I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize