Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
