mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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