This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
