She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i need some magic done to my vagina
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
