no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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