I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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