i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
