Sponge bath it is.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
