And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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