I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize