do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
