Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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