I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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