Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
