saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
