Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
