just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize