a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
