she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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