I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
