there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
love makes seman taste better
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
