You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
