So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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