It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
