Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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