I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
