My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
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