dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
