i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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