How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
