They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
that's an acceptable place to lick
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
