***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
