When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Two words: nipple clamps
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