i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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