You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
