i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
