i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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