dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
