On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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