So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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