I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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