took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
