Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
