I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
