So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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