Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
