yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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