I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
