Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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