After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You made out with two different species that night
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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