I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
