Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
