Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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