Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
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