i think i have two assholes
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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