my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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