Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
That's when you crack a 10am beer
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
