I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
