my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize