when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize