I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
