Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
